I love posting into the void on here, so here’s my void feeling for the day.
I am a quarter Filipino, but looking back at how I was raised and by whom, I might as well be full blooded. I live and breathe my culture in everything I do, to how I eat, how I express myself, down to the way I point. I have never not felt connected to how I was raised and the values that my family instilled in me.
But I feel outcasted, and I always have. I can’t relate to the societal heaviness that comes with being a person of color, and I’ve actively seen the harm my loved ones have had to endure. I’ve only ever dealt with small comments from people saying I seem “exotic” or that there’s just “something about you where you seem white but you kinda aren’t”. It really does take a toll on me. Especially since on the other side, my family gave me shit for being white. I was told on many occasions that I wasn’t Filipino, because of the color of my skin. I couldn’t win.
It took me being 24, and actively looking at my own features to realize that I do show my heritage on my face. But even if I didn’t, I would still beam with the amount of pride and respect for my culture regardless. I just wish I could speak about it or my experience with it without feeling like there’s no point. I get ignored, avoided, and not listened to when I talk about my own experience with my culture and what it entails. The good and the bad.
I didn’t have a parental side growing up, all I had was my maternal grandmother, all of her sisters, and when time allowed; my mom. I grew up going to school with food that kids didn’t recognize and bullied me over the smell or the look of it. I proudly went and learned traditional dancing from my grandmother, who always saw me through whatever wall I tried to build. I wore outfits other kids didn’t understand, I spoke a language other kids didn’t understand. I experienced so much heaviness due to my culture, and I regret none of it. It’s shaped me into who I am. I just wish I could relate with other people who grew up in the same circumstances without feeling like because of how I look, my emotions, my experiences, don’t matter.
thedankmemes